Immortal, invisible, God only wise,
in light inaccessible hid from our eyes,
most blessed, most glorious, the Ancient of Days,
almighty, victorious, thy great Name we praise.

Unresting, unhasting, and silent as light,
nor wanting, nor wasting, thou rulest in might;
thy justice like mountains high soaring above
thy clouds, which are fountains of goodness and love.

To all life thou givest, to both great and small;
in all life thou livest, the true life of all;
we blossom and flourish, like leaves on the tree,
then wither and perish; but nought changeth thee.

Great Father of glory, pure Father of light,
thine angels adore thee, all veiling their sight;
all laud we would render: O help us to see
'tis only the splendor of light hideth thee.
penned by Walter Chalmers Smith, 1867

i've been listening to more Rich Mullins lately. He's always in my small travel cd case, the one that accompanies my discman everywhere, but it seems like "Songs" has jetted up the rotation charts recently. And EVERY TIME i get in the car with my mom and she tunes into *grimace* k-love, they play some Rich. So it is fitting that one of his songs captures what i am wresting with lately. The song is called "Elijah" and it's about being ready to die. In the first verse Mullins proclaims "This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn / how it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free." I've seen mended. I've seen torn. i KNOW that i am free. But i don't feel free. And it's certain that i am not comfortable being lonely. And how is that fixed? How can i grasp the freedom that's already been given to me? i'm under the assumption that i can't do it myself but that leaves me feeling hollow. At least the song ends on less tramautic lyrics. "So on the road to salvation / I stick out my thumb and He gives me a ride / and His music is already falling on my ears // There's people been talking / they say they're worried about my soul / well, I'm here to tell you I'll keep rocking / 'til I'm sure it's my time to roll / And when I do // When I leave I want to go out like Elijah / with a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire / and when I look back on the stars / it'll be like a candlelight in Central Park / And it won't break my heart to say goodbye." It won't break my heart to say goodbye. This world has broken my heart enough already. i've just got to find His song...

[The Friday Five]

.1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year? Taking risks because i thought they might work out. From going to Montrose to interning at Awakening to climbing big mountains despite near-death experiences to promoting concerts. So basically, being adventureous.

2. What was your biggest disappointment? trying hard in my classes and making the same grades as when i didn't.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? to live a life examined. to be a little more feminine. to let people get closer to me. to read more.

4. Where do you wish you were celebrating? Atlanta, with friends, after we score a Peach Bowl win.

5. What do you plan to do for New Year's Eve? haven't decided yet. probably nothing because i am at home.

Tradition. It's odd how it entangles you. Every year my extended family in upstate New York has a Christmas eve gathering. We don't attend now that we live far away but it used to be a permanent fixture on the holiday planner. One year when i was three or four my Uncle Bob asked me what i wanted Santa to bring me. i related all my wishes with all the hope and expectation of a preschooler. It tickled him so he asked me to call him in the morning and tell him how i made out. Thus a tradition began. Each Christmas day i call him and tell him what i've received and catch up with him and his family. Now that i live far away, i value the chance to hear their voices and share my holiday with them. It just doesn't feel like Christmas until i've made the call, which leads me to believe i will be making it for many years to come.
meant to post this yesterday, but the blogger hacker did me in!

EVERYWHERE, everywhere, Christmas tonight!
Christmas in lands of the fir-tree and pine,
Christmas in lands of the palm-tree and vine,
Christmas where snow peaks stand solemn and white,
Christmas where cornfields stand sunny and bright.
Christmas where children are hopeful and gay,
Christmas where old men are patient and gray,
Christmas where peace, like a dove in his flight,
Broods o're brave men in the thick of the fight;
Everywhere, everywhere, Christmas tonight!
For the Christ-child who comes is the Master of all;
No palace too great, no cottage too small.
PHILLIPS BROOKS

Then the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: "Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!"
--from Luke 2

Jesus in the song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth
--U2

Let peace begin with me,
Let this be the moment now.
With every step I take,
Let this be my solemn vow:
To take each moment and live each moment
in peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth
and let it begin with me!
--traditional children's carol

i'm back in North Carolina. Arizona was really neat. i loved the terrain (seen from the amazin' urban hiking in the Phoenix area) and it was a blessing to hang out with my most longstanding friend Sarah. i got to meet a lot of her friends and the guy she's going to marry (he's cool--don't worry!) and just spend time with her family. i saw these random boys i went thru my awkward early teen years with and spent hours reminiscing. i saw a lot of movies. i did not use an alarm clock. it was glorious. i love traveling. it's a shame i am so poor and can't do very much. any suggestions on how to get cool places free?

It's harder to post when i am (a) without my precious t1 connection and (b) spending time with someone i love and never get to see. But Sarah is working and so i figured i'd share my thoughts about seeing the Lord of the Rings.

i loved the books and recall above even my baptism into the plot my longing for the wisdom of Gandalf, the beauty and sacrifice of Arwen, the bravery of Strider, the loyalty of Sam, the purpose of Frodo... fantasy is a weakness in the ways that it exposes my yearning for perfection. But Tolkein was better than some... each character also has his own flaws and demons that make mere girls like myself grateful. He was a brilliant writer, labouring prolifically to truly capture the great stories of his imagination. For his toil, the landscape and the races of Middle-earth were engraved into my head in just a certain manner and the film did not disappoint. i couldn't even imagine the horror of the orcs or the evil in the visions each time Frodo slipped the ring on. It was a true portrayal, though i always focus on the little graces that i love that don't make the cut. Like the blindfolding of the fellowship in the Golden Wood and Tom Bombadill and Bill the Pony and the gifts Galadriel gives them... i loved those when i read. Overall, as a movie adaptation **** (of four). i will certainly see both sequels opening day. However, i still prefer the book, which is the way it ought to be. oh and the Spiderman preview looked great!

Random assorted thoughts at 12:50 Mountain Time...

+ when i got home on Monday, my cousin was visiting, on his way home for Christmas from his base in Lousiana. i was surprised that he now likes emo and we were able to converse about our mutual admiration of such great acts as Dashboard Confessional. it's growth from his metal lovin' days
+ 12 hours of flying and layovers makes for a LONG day
+ i am really glad to be with one of my oldest, dearest friends. it's a rare pleasure.
+ In-n-Out is absolutely fabulous! i had my first burger and fries from that fine establishment last night. Back before i leave for a milkshake...
+ commentation on this blog is virtually dead.

FINIS. With exams that is. And a nice little trip to Arizona to reward myself... The only bummer is two long layovers at Washington-Dulles (tomorrow and Sunday). Any good suggestions for killin' time?

by the way, my sister started a blog

Come, Thou long expected Jesus, born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us, let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel’s strength and consolation, hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver, born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever, now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit, rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit, raise us to Thy glorious throne.
by Charles Wesley

my last two exams are tomorrow. please pray as i try to study greek. *sigh*

better late than never to start The Friday Five

.1. What did you want to be when you grew up? as a kid i wanted to be a network news correspondent

.2. Do you have any nicknames? kris10, special k, turtle, knox, wee miss kris, knoxious, kwissen, knoxy, K

.3. If you could change something about yourself what would it be? that i would not be ADD when studying

.4. Have you ever bought anything from an infomercial? nope

.5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? in sequencial order: going to Borders to study for Monday's exams, listening to A Prarie Home Companion, packing, church, hanging out with Meadow, studying.

Today i learned a lesson about grace. i completely spaced something important that could've caused a nasty chain of events costing me my pride and some hard-earned cash. Except it didn't. God orchestrated it so that i would realize how much of an idiot i am sometimes without suffering the consequences, showing me an everyday grace so undeserved. And he used a dear friend in the process so that i could experience grace from a human as well. Each moment it seems i am learning how our Triune God makes beauty from my broken offerings. His goodness to me is hard to believe... in spite of myself i can sit in my room, listen to backporch music and just rest in Him.

"And in stubborn spite of my stubborn spite i am loved nonetheless, i am loved all the more and i believe, there is love enough for the taking." [Andrew Peterson]

i have spent this past week walking in another man's shoes. Trudging around town in the rain, taking exams, studying at the Roastery... all in boots that aren't mine. They've been with me now through two springs and summers and autumns and winters. They have seen me up mountains and down canyons and through raging rivers. They have covered my toes on dates and out with friends. They have aided my trek over mud and snow and rain and the hard clay of Carolina. My old pair of Vasque boots once belonged to a woman who lives down the street from my family, Sarah. She got pregnant and her shoe size changed and she could no longer wear them. When central NC experienced a "blizzard" a few years back, she gave the gore-tex boots to my sister Janelle so that her feet could stay dry. Believing the only fashionable boots were Timberlands, my sister gave the Vasque boots to me and i have gotten good use out of them ever since, until this unseasonably warm fall. When the weather finally chilled Monday, it warranted pulling the boots out of the closet. Each time i do that i am reminded of the cliche i embody. Walking in another man's shoes is more to me than having great boots i didn't pay for. It reminds me to look at life from the perspective of others and try their ideas on for size, a great gift to me from my footwear.

Exams and airlines are enough to make a girl crazy. It's been a traumatic week and it's merely Tuesday! One thing i've found interesting to observe is who i want to call first when crisis looms over my doorpost. Now i am spending too much time trying to interpret that data. Self-examination is an exhausting process!

i burned my finger slightly baking the other day and now i can feel the blood pumping past the surface wound to my fingertip. it's quite neat. i wish i could describe the sensation better.

"Be on the lookout, the Christ child is coming!"
-- Scott Sanders

This semester i have struggled a great deal with contentment. i just don't know why i'm here in this place earning a degree. Chapel Hill's a great town and i love to learn but somehow it still feels wrong. "Maybe," i thought to myself, "My coursework is stifling my desire to learn. Perhaps i feel i'd learn more just reading on my own." But that reasoning didn't satisfy me. i've forgotten how to enjoy myself here. i just want to be somewhere else, doing something new and different. Three different couples i know got engaged in the past week. i am really excited for my friends but at the same time i am a little envious. i don't even know anyone i want to date! Not that having a boyfriend would make me content... it just has some potential for adventure. You'd have to see the impressions my friend Jon and i do of "dating the Holy Spirit," but i digress. i went over to Dawn and Jamie's last night to do a bunch of Christmas baking last night and started popping some discs in the CD changer to listen to as i worked. One was The Normals newer one. i know several people that like the Normals but i haven't been exposed so i figured i ought to. i really enjoyed the music and when i was able to listen to the lyrics, i was pleasantly suprised. i really connected to what i heard.

Cason's always talkin' 'bout the sky that covers Kansas, i wish i could be under it today
So tired of all this spinning lies, i'm tired of all this killin' time, tired of always getting in the way
Wish i could conjure up a love song, wish i could pray the way my friends do back home
There's a part of you that sometimes i just don't believe
Cause this is not what i thought i had been praying for
but this is what i have been given i will make the best i can
there's a joy we find in living and a love that's in your hands
from "The Best i Can"

"what if i find in the quiet that all i am
is the sum of my habits?
all of my power this is all i can offer
and it's broken, it's broken, it's broken
somewhere the good king's been claiming his victory
and it's offered, it's offered, it's offered
to me."
from "The Survivor"

yeah. that album'd be a good christmas gift, if you're looking for one ;o)

finished 5 papers and 2 projects due this week.
Hallelujah!

Christ's incarnation is grace and love too great for me to grasp. The God of the Universe becoming flesh for sinners, to walk among people and serve them. And He did not enter our world with fanfare and trumpets and glory and honor and praises. He came in a most unassuming way, as a infant. The atoning work was not possible without the incarnation. His coming, then, is as important as his dying. The Israelites waited so long for their Messiah, in hopeful expectation. And i waste the advent season singing Bing Crosby and Burl Ives.

Starry, starry night. Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity, how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night. Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze, reflect in Vincent's eyes of China blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain, are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity, how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you, but still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight on that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do. But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night. Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls, with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met, the ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity, How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will.

"Vincent" by Don McLean. My dad loves this song, even though he isn't a big McLean listener. The Art Test reminded me of it.

If I were a work of art, I would be Vincent Van Gogh's The Starry Night. I am a tiny village at peace while overhead rages the tumult of the heavens. Objects whirl and flash around me in a fevered haze only partially reflected in reality while I remain grounded and secure in my isolation. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

i love this painting. i am not at all like that description.

a few things:
+ i AM flying to Pheonix via Washington-Dulles on the 18th and returning the 23rd. just in the nick of time, i made my 2-weeks-prior reservation! i am going to see my best friend from high school and to recover from my exams ending the 17th.
+ Joel Garver has written a great explanation/defense of reading Harry Potter
+ Do any of you, my intelligent, practical readers know how to convert things from mini-disc to the computer? i recorded a great show on a friend's mini-disc player and i want to have it when i return the [amazing, very nifty] player! i have the cord with headphone sized jacks at both ends...
+ It should be illegal for professors to assign long papers due the last day of class. Especially multiple long papers for one class. Darn Social and Economic Justice course!
+ Wendy from Dead Yet Living has started her own blog. It's quite good so far.
+ Even though he hasn't posted in forever, Arthur is the new standout link because he bought something off my Amazon wishlist for me, just because. it is the first time anyone has ever done that.

Today marked my biggest group project in history. A 20 minute oral presentation and 8-10 page paper on a topic relating to Mormon missions. Our group of three decided on the Missionary Training Centers. Here's how it went:
Rocky Theme song plays as LL and i look buff while playing with the classroom technology.
All of the sudden, our Rocky comes in, a young, street smart Elder who thinks he's ready for the MTC
[Let's get ready to RUUUUUUMMMBLEEEEEE!] LL and i do the cheesy "ready? OK!"
then we give him an obscure quiz [via powerpoint] about the MTCs. he does poorly. sample question "what is the most popular cereal at the MTC?" Rocky says "All-Bran! regularity for those regimented, scheduled lives." Answer: Lucky Charms. we throw snack bags of the tasty, sugary stuff to everyone in our class. A grassroots chant of "A! A! A!" begins under the breaths of those closest to the instructor.
then we show the class a movie about the MTC in Provo
walked through the highlights and stats about the MTCs via powerpoint
[Eye of the Tiger] Rocky asks for advice. we give him some quotes from missionaries and then:
"don't forget son. '“You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!'"
.the end.

"Father, Your holy ways are inscrutable to us. We like to think that we are quick to learn, when in fact we are exceedingly slow. We ought to be teachers by now, and yet we find ourselves having to go over the basics of our faith again and again. We are Your people, yet we have not yet shaken loose of the idolatry that surrounds us and so You continue Your chastisements. Open our eyes, we pray. We want to learn from Your Scriptures, and not from the rod. But if the rod is necessary to drive Your Church back to the Scriptures, then we pray that You would continue to apply the rod. Father, cause us to open our Bibles, but open our hearts also. In Jesus' name, our Lord of hosts, amen."
--by Douglas Wilson [from the Credenda Agenda i got from Richard]

i haven't had much sleep this week. i'm probably averaging 5 hours/night which is a far cry from my preferred 7.5 hours/night. Hence i have been on the tired, moody side. Yesterday my parents told me i could go to Pheonix after exams to see my best friend from high school for a few days before Christmas. One leg of my flight back from Colorado was cancelled, so i have a travel voucher to use. i had checked the ticket price online and it was right at my voucher amount. Except you can't make voucher reservations online. You have to either do it over the phone and go to a ticket counter within 24 hours to turn the voucher in, or just get your ticket at the airport ticket counter. Since i had to make a trip to RDU--our dreaded local airport--i figured i'd just get my ticket there. and so i went. The ticket price i was quoted there at the counter was $120 more than the one online. So i didn't get it. Fighting back tears in the midst of my frustration, i sang "Oceans," a good Mike Garrigan song. "All the time that your gone, she said / i shamelessly wish you were here / fill the dark with your breath / and stay here." Then i headed to the Mark Williams CD release concert/party. It was really great. i highly recommend you invest in his new album, it's an amazing project. That cheered me up. Now, the online price has gone up $50. But there is some hope in sight. Today after i volunteer at Orange Congregations in Mission, i am heading to Lynchburg with Jamie and Dawn to see Andrew Peterson and Silers Bald do their Christmas show and staying with Richard, Megan and Geneva Okimoto. That just might be what it takes to get me smiling again.