We all have dreams and fantasy futures, things we long to happen to ourselves. However, what do you do when fantasy and reality don't match up? Trade in the fantasy for a mediocre reality or hold on and hold out--hoping and dreaming that one day all will come to fruition beyond your wildest imagination? My desire to stay grounded screams the former, but my yearning for adventure pleads for the latter. The two forces battle with neither emerging clearly victorious. And the war rages on.

this is a rerun from almost exactly a year ago. it's one of my favourite posts so i figured it was worth ending on.

i've decided to stop blogging. As the apostle said, everything is permissible but not all things are beneficial. With lots of schoolwork lurking on the calendar and a new call to go full-throttle with some things on campus, it just seemed good timing to call it quits. Blogging has given me a chance to process what's going on in kristen-land, to ask good questions and to make friends with people a whole lot smarter and wiser than i am. i have learned so much and beyond that i've enjoyed my tenure in the blogger community. But a new season is emerging. i'll still be lurking about and maybe i'll drop a blogga-style email if anything really cool happens (i did see Stanley Hauerwas yesterday...). i'll always be available via email and after this weekend, i'll be back on AIM so drop me a line! Many thanks to Jim and Wayne for working towards hosting me. You guys are the real deal.

Consider this post a permanent away message. "i'm off searching for a summer job, writing about Calvin and Augustine, enjoying the sunshine, reading and caring for small group leaders. please let me know how you are."

grace to you, and peace.

Oftentimes, the right thing to do is the very hardest thing of all.

REFRAIN [sung after each verse]
All glory, laud and honour, to Thee, Redeemer, King,
To Whom the lips of children made sweet hosannas ring.

Thou art the King of Israel, Thou David's royal Son,
Who in the Lord?s Name comest, the King and Blessèd One.

The company of angels are praising Thee on High,
And mortal men and all things created make reply.

The people of the Hebrews with palms before Thee went;
Our prayer and praise and anthems before Thee we present.

To Thee, before Thy passion, They sang their hymns of praise;
To Thee, now high exalted, our melody we raise.

Thou didst accept their praises; accept the prayers we bring,
Who in all good delightest, Thou good and gracious King.

Since i have been using extreme tracking on my blog, i've noticed all sorts of exciting hits. From the old Arpanet and from the Netherlands and Japan and Belgium and South Africa and Poland and lots of other countries (thanks to Google). But no ip address has thrilled me as much as my hit tonight from makdaddygq.Stanford.EDU.

Finally, a new Credenda/Agenda. Some of it i like and some of it peeves me. Let's just say that the article on young women and athletics elicited several what the crap?s. What do you think?

My friend Jamie has resurrected her blog and created something quite unlike any other blogs i frequent... it's all haikus. She's pretty dang good at writing them, as well as writing songs and keeping life under control for everyone. We love you, Jamie!

the Washington Post on being a redhead.

Today some girl in my Evangelicalism in America class used so many cliches in a minute that i isolated a few and wrote a bad poem about them to amuse myself in a class discussion that was going nowhere.

God is good -- all the time
the fundy baptists like to cry
proclaim on giant highway boards
cross-stitch on pillows for their homes

what about when the thunder rolls
when lightning strikes their dwelling holes
when the flood waters rise so quick, so high
they fear that they will drown and die

i hope that through the dark they see
good folks still have to fight bad things
though "why?" may be common, it's dumb to ask
just trust God and the wisdom he has

spinning: _becoming the moon_ by mark williams
reading: Hamlet

The past few weeks i've appreciated the blooming pear trees all around the Triangle. From a distance, they're beautiful trees, but beyond that they bring hope to the first unsure weeks of Spring. Early March is full of spring showers and planting seeds. It's cloudier than any other month of the year. Spring and all that comes with it just does not seem like much of a reality except for those trees. They are the promise of what's to come. Today it struck me that this serves as a good analogy for life in general. When the chill of winter has yielded to the rain and work of early Spring, look for the pear trees.

i updated the blog roll. If you're bored you can go visit the names you're unfamiliar with!

reading: things by and about Calvin and Augustine (surprise, surprise)
spinning: Revolver, tAC 1 and Chase the Buffalo
watching: Zoolander

And let those who will, laugh and scorn---I shall not be silent; nor shall I hide the signs and wonders which the Lord has shown me many years before they came to pass, as He knows everything even before the times of the world. Hence I ought unceasingly to give thanks to God who often pardoned my folly and my carelessness, and on more than one occasion spared His great wrath on me, who was chosen to be His helper and who was slow to do as was shown me and as the Spirit suggested. And the Lord had mercy on me thousands and thousands of times because He saw that I was ready, but that I did not know what to do in the circumstances. For many tried to prevent this my mission; they would even talk to each other behind my back and say: `Why does this fellow throw himself into danger among enemies who have no knowledge of God?' It was not malice, but it did not appeal to them because---and to this I own myself---of my rusticity. And I did not realize at once the grace that was then in me; now I understand that I should have done so before.
--from the Confession of St. Patrick

[r e v e r s e . f r i d a y . f i v e]
"concerning music"

.1. what is the last cd you purchased?
.2. what is the last concert you attended?
.3. who is the most underrated musician in your humble opinion?
.4. who is the most overrated "musician" in your humble opinion?
.5. what cd do you think you'll purchase next?

please answer in the commentation :o)

Just in case you were wondering, gossip is addressed by the Bible. God doesn't think too highly of it. Neither do i.

Happy Pi Day everyone. Celebrate by watching the movie Pi, eating some pie, singing Pi Day songs or just thinking about your favourite circular objects.

i can't sleep. i am perplexed with a random bout of paranoia. And to add to my woes, blogspot is down. The upside to the evening was that i finally saw the gilmore girls for the first time. Not being a television viewer, i'll likely never see it again, but whatever. i'm going to try to sleep again.

So, the question of the day (week? month?) is:
How should reformed people today be impacted by Calvin's theonomy?

reading: Calvin's _Institutes of the Christian Religion_ (Book Four), Kaufman's _Redeeming Politics_ and Ryle's _Holiness_
spinning: the Beatles, Bruce Cockburn, Feb 2002 and Glen Phillips
watching: the Princess Bride and Moulin Rouge

Yesterday was my youngest sister's birthday so after church and my brother's soccer game, we went to Kanki for dinner. Very fun! i was so so excited because Sarah was in town and i made plans to visit with her today. My car being broken, i left my dad at his place of employment and took his jeep. i picked Sarah up and we headed to our place for lunch. The car smoked as we pulled into the parking lot so being the resourceful women we are, we ate and then put some water in it when we left. it continued to smoke but we figured we'd just try to get home. we didn't make it. We did make it to Wake Forest, which was a blessing, we suppose. We broke down one light (about half a mile) away from my road off Capital Boulevard/US 1. A nice man told us not to drive any farther and offered us a ride, but we elected to walk. We had a nice leisurely stroll, got honked at thirteen times (a personal record for both of us), and made it home safely. Now my car is broke in the driveway and Dad's is broke on the side of the road. We are a ghetto car kinda family. Well, Sarah is still here and i am going to keep spending QT with her. :o)

Home sweet home. When i am at school, i forget about the bonuses that go along with home, other than the obvious main perk of getting to see my family. Fringe benes include: not having to wear flip-flops in the shower, the option of a bath, sleeping close to the ground instead of on a loft, better food, a dvd player, free laundry facilities whenever i want to use them... this week is going to be nice :o)

i got a referral from someone searching for Christian men snobby. i am hoping by blogging those words together i can go from #15 closer to the top ;o)

Spring Break is upon us. In the afternoon, i head home to spend my time with family and friends, researching and looking for a summer job. Getting to see my friends from AZ is really exciting and i am pumped about family time and John Calvin but the job hunt... yikes. Maybe this is snobby, but i really don't want to work in food service. i've avoided it thus far and i like that trend. i could be a waitress, but i have a feeling my summer may be spent as a sandwich artiste or at the DQ ala that girl from Waiting for Guffman. it's so funny to look for a summer job at home after interning for two summers in cool locales. what can one do in a small town for the summer to earn money that is not mundane and torturous?

spinning: an old comp called "somewhat sappy songs" consisting of good love songs that don't nauseate me. it was on the dresser.
reading: _The Late Great Planet Earth_ by Hal Lindsey
watching: _Miller's Crossing_, an Irish gangster flick -- i rather liked it.

I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the LORD: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them. O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him. The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing.
PSALM 34:1-10 // King James Version // a meditation tonight

A quiz to tell you what career would have suited you best in the Middle Ages. i got "Benevolent Ruler"... how about you?

spinning: feb 2002
reading: random poetry the Brownings wrote.

Abortion is up for popular vote in Ireland. Let's pray for the realization of the sanctity of all life to move in their hearts.

spinning: Claire Holley (_self titled_ on YEP records)
reading: _As You Like It_

Last night, we played Dook over at their tin can of a basketball stadium, Cameron. For the first time in my recollection, my suite had toliet paper despite that. i guess i should back up and explain that since overly exuberant students living in my ten story building often toliet paper the trees in the vicinity after a big win, the housing administration thought it wise a long, long time ago to instruct housekeepers to steal virtually all the toliet paper in the building before big games. for the whole ncaa tournament my freshman year, we had to buy our own. the presence of toilet paper in our bathroom this weekend (both sides of the dispenser filled AND a spare) was a sad commentary on the state of our basketball team.

the other day i got a referral from google for chapel hill blog and being the curious sort, i clicked it myself. i found a byzantine catholic blogger in my building! go check him out at mattrubush.blogspot.com.

i have had this leftover mac and cheese in my fridge for days and i am unable to eat it, not because i am sick, but because Daniel referred to its consumption as "slumming it nutritionally." Some day my arteries will thank him.

spinning: john mayer's _room for squares_
sipping: green tea with honey

[said together] Almighty God, We thank You for feeding us with the body and blood of Your son Jesus Christ. Through Him we offer to You our souls and bodies to be a living sacrifice. Send us out in the power of Your Spirit to live and work to Your praise and glory. Amen.
[leader] Let us go forth to love and serve the Lord.
[people] Thanks be to God!

i spent this lazy Saturday afternoon putting together my February 2002 compilation. it's particularly random and full of Jump, Little Children mostly because i did not want to pick one of their styles above another.

01 + new found glory + the glory of love
02 + the normals + radio
03 + jump little children + just a second (live)
04 + dashboard confessional + living in your letters
05 + john mayer + st. patrick's day
06 + mike garrigan + she alone
07 + guster + happy frappy
08 + jump little children + dancing virginias
09 + derek webb + dance
10 + bruce cockburn + anything anytime anywhere
11 + wilco + i'm always in love (live)
12 + john mayer + love soon
13 + pierce pettis + trying to stand in a fallen world
14 + jump little children + cathedrals (live)
15 + pedro the lion + bad things to such good people
16 + beatles + and your bird can sing
17 + u2 + desire
18 + big star + back of a car
bonus + almost famous bus singalong of "tiny dancer"

spinning: feb 2002
reading: nothing, i'm sick and my eyes itch

i saw Jump, Little Children for the first time tonight at the Lincoln Theatre in Raleigh. It's a great venue and i've seen a number of good shows there, but they charge $2 more if you aren't 21. nofe-air! Anyway, Jump... they were amazing. The band is defined by it's instrumentation so i'll break it down for you:
Evan - drum kit
Jay - lead vocals and guitars (acoustic and electric)
Jonathan - upright bass, bgvs
Matt - some lead vocals, accordian, guitar, harmonica and tin whistle
Ward - cello, guitar, bgvs and tenacious d covers
They have quite a range of sonic depth. Their songs sound different from one another. The band is so good they have a spin-off band with three of the members playing different instruments. They have cool major/minor vibes going on. i can't explain, probably because i am tired and ill, but i recommend you get a cd or pirate some songs. They're worth checking out. I am excited that they are playing my home venue, Cat's Cradle, in six weeks. That'll give me a chance to buy their latest album or two and appreciate them more. Plus, then the crowd won't all be from N.C. State and everyone will stop doing that obnoxious Wolfpack hand sign.

The unassumed troubadour sings to himself softly
But not a word escapes his lips they don't even try
His words would rather stay with him as long as possible
But his melody is for me and you
I prefer to be alone when you're not around
Sometimes when I speak I can't stand the sound
Of my voice, this great big destructive machine
That takes too much time to say what it means
--"The Singer" J,LC

spinning: the sound of silence. my roommate is asleep. but before i was listening to Mike Garrigan in honour of seeing him last night.
reading: Calvin's Institutes